Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
