Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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