Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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