I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
