found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize