I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
