I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize