If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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