dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
