Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
