I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
