He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I wish there were birth control emojis
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
