Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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