I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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