Apparently you make a good broom.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
