I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
