she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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