I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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