I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
