seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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