ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
