The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
