last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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