I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
