I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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