She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
