Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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