Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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