i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
The ass gains better be worth it
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