dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You did what with his pubic hair?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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