Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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