i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
