dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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