My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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