just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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