i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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