when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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