8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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