It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
