we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
It's rum buckets o'clock
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
