We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
