Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
