I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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