If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
