Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
