Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
