The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
