whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
