I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
birth control should be required to get into college
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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