i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
