it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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