I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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