i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
