He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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