Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
