Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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