I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
