look no pants
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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