No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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