I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
