Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
