If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
